The Field Trip
by trishathetrashywriter
Summary: A field trip to the farm.
1. Chapter 1

"Hello, everyone. You know what today is?" said Mr. Garrison.

No one answered.

"Today is field trip day! Does anyone know we're we'll be going?"

No one answered.

"We're going to the farm!" said Mr. Garrison.

"But Mr. Garrison, didn't we already go to the farm?" said Stan.

"That was the veal farm. This time we're going to a normal farm," said Mr. Garrison.

Later on the bus Butters was singing Old McDonald Had a Farm.

After a while, they reached their destination.

"Finally!" said Cartman.

"Hi, my name is Farmer Brown," said the farmer.

"How original," said Cartman under his breath.

"Come on, kids," he said.

First, he showed them the dairy cows.

"These are the cattle. Can anyone tell me the difference between male and female cattle?" said the farmer.

"Oh, I know! The male ones have dicks!" said Stan.

Stan's profanity left the farmer speechless.

"Uh... let's go see the chickens now!" said the farmer.


	2. Chapter 2

Soon they arrived at the chicken coop. Some of the chickens were outside. All the chickens were clucking.

"This is where we keep the chickens," said the farmer.

"Where are the chicks?" asked Butters.

"There are no chicks here. The eggs are always infertile," said the farmer.

"Oh," said Butters.

Kenny tried to chase one, but it ran away.

"To get a chicken to like you, you gotta feed it," he said. He gave Kenny some chicken feed.

Kenny threw it on the ground and the chicken, along with two other chickens went over to him and started eating it.


	3. Chapter 3

Kenny sat down and let the chickens peck away.

"Awww, the chickens like him," said Butters.

After the seed had been finished, the chickens started hungrily pecking Kenny, not realizing there was no food on him.

"The chickens sure like Kenny," said Stan.

A flock of chickens flew onto Kenny and started pecking him violently until he was mangled.

To add insult to injury, a chicken laid an egg which immediately cracked on Kenny's right eye and yolk replaced Kenny's once functional eye.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" said Stan.

"You bastards!" said Kyle.


	4. Chapter 4

"Uh... well now, wasn't that fun? Let's go see the pigs now," said Farmer Brown in the presence of Kenny's mangled, yolk-eyed corpse.

"Whee! I love bacon," said Cartman.

At the pig pen, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters were making funny faces and oinking.

"They look just like you, Cartman!" said Kyle.

"They do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Yes, they do, fatass!"

"No need for language, children," said Mr. Garrison.


	5. Chapter 5

They then went to see the horses. They came in all sizes and colors.

"This is the horse stable. Any questions?" said Farmer Brown.

Stan raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"Does laying eggs feel like pooping?"

"Let me rephrase. Do you have any questions pertaining to horses?"

"I bet it feels like diarrhea," Kyle told Stan under his breath.

Butters raised his hand.

"Yes, little boy?"

"Where do blue horses come from?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Can... can you repeat the question, son?"

"Where do blue horses come from?"

"Blue horses? There's no such thing, little fella," said Farmer Brown.

"Well I saw a statue of a blue horse with an orange mane at Denver Airport," explained Butters.

"Okay, does anyone have a question that's not retarded?"

"Do horses have girlfriends?" asked Kyle.

"No, they have mates. Any other questions?"

"Where are the pink cows?" asked Butters.

"Pink cows?" said Farmer Brown.

"Ya know. The cows which you get the strawberry milk from," said Butters.

"I... I think you should go take a nap now, kid," said Farmer Brown.

"Oh boy! I _love_ nap time," said Butters before hitting the hay... literally.

"Do horses go to heaven?" asked Stan.

Cartman poked sleeping Butters with a knife.

"Ow! Bad unicorn!" said Butters before realizing it was just Cartman.

"Okay, time to see the sheep," said Farmer Brown.

The children were taken to the sheep and goats.

"Wait wait wait. Did you say at Denver Airport?" said Cartman.

"Yep."

"You mean at the front of the airport?" continued Cartman.

"Yep."

"That's not a real horse, that's a statue, dumbass!" said Cartman laughing.

"The blue horse isn't real? Next you're gonna be telling me Old McDonald isn't real!" said Butters.


	6. Chapter 6

"I want milk," whined Butters.

"You can have milk at the school cafeteria, Butters," said Kyle.

"Yeah, you can have milk at the cafeteria, bitch," said Cartman.

" _I'm_ not a bitch!" said Butters.

"Children, children, no need for language," said Mr. Garrison.

"Did you know that bitches are female dogs?" continued Mr. Garrison.

"Shut up, Mr. Garrison you ****** *****!" said Cartman.


	7. Chapter 7

Stan raised his hand again.

"Yes?" said the farmer.

"What time is it?"

"It's time to go to bed," said the farmer.

"But I'm not sleepy!" said Stan.

"I was being sarcastic, silly!" said Farmer Brown.


	8. Chapter 8

"Okay, you kids can have some milk," said the farmer hoping it would calm them down.

He went over to a cow and began to milk it.

Butters licked his lips thirstily.

"Oh boy!"

Cartman than whispered something in Butters' ear.

"Uh, where did that kid in the blue cap go?"

"Stan? He's petting a bull with Kyle," said Butters.

"Oh."

Butters raised his hand.

"Yes, little boy?"

"Cartman says milk is cow sperm. Is tha-"

"Butters! Wash out your mouth with a bar of soap," said Mr. Garrison.


End file.
